delicate musings.

22 years old. what an amount of years. so queer. what do these years really mean anymore? anything i want them to, i suppose.
i feel inarticulate. like i could spend a thousand days trying out every phrase to explain how disassembled my insides feel. like i could stare you right in the face and say everything i think of saying and it would not make any sense. not even you could understand. complete paralysis.
and to sleep, i daydream about you driving me around late at night while i listen to you talk about whatever you want to talk to me about. and there is that soft glow from the streetlights filtering in onto our skin and i feel warm. and you just keep talking and you don't know it, but to me everything you say is part of a long song that i keep wrapping around me.
it is funny to me that i am 22 and almost a college graduate. it is weird to me that i am also feeling so benign about it all. and it the strangest that tonight of all nights i feel the incessant chatter of some deeper meaning waking up inside me. just whispers at first. then full on loud talking. i always wonder who the talking is directed towards. surely not me. but still, i listen on to the conversation inside me as if i weren't really there, like a strange outsider you meet on the bus. like the way one listens in to two lovers laughing and teasing each other, perplexed and envious of their entwined lives, no matter how fickle.
and i miss you. how and why, i can't explain. i just miss you and pretend that you're here, in my bed. and that even though we never touch, your words and your laugh are enough. and maybe sometimes our hands accidentally do touch and flustered, we blush and don't mention anything. i am so embarrassed of the way i feel. but i remind myself that one day, all of this life will make some sort of sense.

but i remember how lonely i am. and how all of this is just an exaggerated musing of my fatigued brain. swallow it down. swallow it down. swallow it down.

eventually, no matter what i do, i will end up alone.
and we both know we want to spend our lives being miserable.

"I am alone, all alone here," said the voice. "It was warm and friendly in my room but now I'm all alone."