lala kahle.

it's rainy here. and foggy.
the weather has made my bones ache for the past week now.
if i could sleep in the heaven that is my bed all day, i would.

i feel like such a sleepy head. not just physically, but mentally as well. like, what the FUCK am i supposed to do with my GODDAMN life?

at least i'm going to die alone.

tip on that tightrope.

i feel infinitely relieved. i love the rush of things going to complete shit and the last minute finishing everything up and making everything that was wrong, right again. i'm constantly tipping on the tightrope. i guess that means i am not as boring as i think.
i realized that YOU must be the one still hung up on whatever because the sight or mention of me boils your blood. good, i'm glad. i deserve to be the bigger person after all this hard work i have been doing.
i wrote the most amusing paper i have ever written while being in college. i hope it goes over well with my professor. i know he likes a good laugh.

"now put some voodoo on it."

i get so wound up.

ineedtobealone.
i neeeeeed space.
i wish i wasn't so lazy. then maybe i could drive off somewhere away from everyone. or take a bike ride.
i get so fucking frustrated.
ajndjcndicnfc.

"oh hey, it's that guy that owes me hundreds of dollars."

believe me, i really want to kill you too.

dreamin' of you.

i'm dreaming of you.

i just don't know who YOU are.

breakfast in cemetary.

in case you didn't know, beat happening is where i got the title for my blog. my first love. my only love. calvin johnson.
"calvin you're my guy with incredible blue eyes, but, i've got to live my own life."
but beats happening. i think it refers to the fact that my day to day occurs with the constant sprawling of beats minute to minute. and that's where the videos/songs play in. they describe how i feel for the day. or relay a fleeting thought i had that made me feel something. or sometimes i heard the song on the radio, or played the record it was on, or took a nap to it. and it made me feel something i hadn't felt in days. so i write about it.
this song is one of my favorites. cast a shadow is ultimately the best, in my opinion. my ultimate fairy tale dream song. the day i feel that way about someone, honestly, earnestly, truly, it will be right.
i just found out some guy redid that song.
beat happening ties into a lot of my life. i think from the moment i heard them, i knew we were destined for a life together.
i could go into so much, but i think it hurts a little more than i can handle right now.

i want to be i want to be i want to be
in my cave.

good lord.

i don't know what i was thinking. fooling myself into thinking i was in love. i wasn't. and i knew i wasn't. but i just wanted so badly to stop being alone. being alone is getting to the point where it is pretty horrifying. and it has barely been six months.
i just want to scream all the time. and never ever stop. everyone is running around in my head. i just want to cry but i don't think i know how to anymore.
i feel like my whole body is straining to make it through each day. like everything inside of me is so tight and wound up. i can't let it out.

ojffneojfnrr.
how do i get it out??

heaven always fucking knows.

i am not in love.
i am not in lust.
i am bitterly alone.
always always always.
and forever.