When you sleep.

i think this is my falling in love song. i have been listening to it a lot. am i falling in love?

mister pensacola racquetball has been cut off from communication. so today while i was practicing my racquetball skills with the instructor he just stood there, watching me, waiting for me to notice him. it made me furious. guys expect way too much. i never looked his way.

i was rummaging through the lost souls of craigslist personal ads and i came upon a kid in my cardio weight training class. best. day. ever.


my life is getting hectic and i am getting sleepy with it all. i just want to wake up in the middle of the summer, a millionaire with a maserati. i don't even know what the fuck that is.

but i want it.

goodnight.

This makes me feel better.

i couldn't put the real video because embedding was disabled. WAMP WAMP.

listening to this song always makes me feel better about being alone. because all the things that she lists that she can do actually do make me feel better about life. and the fact that everything is better than being with mister nowhere makes me love this song like an anthem because of the irony. everything compares and it is so much better.

mister raquetball pensacola is such a weenie. not only does he bore me, but i am pretty sure all he is looking for is sex. the thing is, that's fine. but, he's horrible about being a guy just looking for sex. like, be a man about it! and know how to talk the talk. good god, boys are so boring.


on a different note, i think living this life of celibacy is much healthier for my brain. just me and the toney bean, relaxing in the bed, listening to music. i think sex makes me crazy. it is the only conclusion i can draw. when i have best guy friends and spend all my time with them and do everything with them, it is wonderful and fine and happy. as soon as you factor sex into the relationship, goodbye sanity.

maybe i should stop being such a big wussy. yeah, i think that is the answer to everything.

did i even ask any questions?

The start.

i guess it all had to start somewhere. i know long ago, i was born. and i grew up. i had bad times. i had okay times. sometimes things were good. more than often, i was sad.
i had boyfriends. i had friends that were boys. i had this one boy that was my friend for two years in high school. and then i left him.
and then i spent more years alone. i thought there was something wrong with me. i thought i didn't like being alone. i made up stories about this life i would be living if i wasn't incapable of being loved. i lived in my head. i was a crazy.
and then i mellowed out. and i thought everything that was absolutely wrong for me must be right. because isn't that what they show in the movies. opposites attract. love is unexpected. sometimes it's the one you least expect.
so i picked him out. i picked out the one who i couldn't stand. and i taught myself to love him. and i'm a quick learner. i learned to love him and i learned to love him well. mister nowhere. he was and is going nowhere fast.
i thought if i could change him, if i could just fix his hair. fix his ambition. fix his goals. he could be mister everywhere.
i was a bad person. i was a bad person for thinking that.
but i did honestly love him. i loved him with every ounce of myself. i still do love him. i don't think i will ever not.
he was a syrup. thick on me and i couldn't breathe. and it was exhilarating. we hated each other so much but we pretended we were so in love. i miss him still sometimes.
and then, it just wasn't right.
and then, we were screaming and hurting each other on purpose and he was stealing my things and i was trying to get him to stay.
he was mister nowhere again.
and i realized he was good at being mister nowhere. and someday, someone would love him as that person. he wasn't my mister everywhere. he wasn't right for me.

i remember the first time i realized i loved him. we were in his bed and he put this song on. and i think the feeling i got from this song i mistook for being in love with him. but it opened up this whole new possibility of who he could be to me. not just a friend. not just a close friend. but maybe, if i could change just this, just that, just maybe.

and that was the beginning of the end.

I feel a (little bit) like this.

i want to feel this way again. i want to feel so foolishly, unbearably in love with someone. i want to be so afraid and inevitably drawn to someone. it's dangerous. i miss it i miss it i miss it.
i think i felt that way at first. then two years went by. i can't even remember it. i think i have become so used to living in miserable situations that i just automatically block everything out. numb it up.
it must be like living with a ghost.

but the thing is, there are boys there. i guess they're men now. there are men there, asking me to be with them. and i shut down. i shut them out. liking someone is so embarrassing to me.
there is this one guy from school who likes me. and i enjoyed talking to him, i found it exciting. and then he said he wanted to snuggle with me. the word alone makes me shudder. not that this guy isn't wonderful and sweet and nice. but it scares me. it really scares me.
and then this one kid from middle school. ugh. i wasn't even that good of friends with him. but he was good friends with a kid i was in love with who i wanted to get back in touch with (and ended up being no help at all). and now he wants me to call him. hang out with him. "you better!" what will i do with myself?
and then there is mr.orlando. mister "call-me-to-come-hang-out-with-me-in-orlando-but-everytime-you-do-i'll-have-plans-and-then-keep-tabs-on-you-when-you-forget-about-me-and-then-randomly-text-you-telling-you-you-can-crash-at-my-place-when-you're-at-a-show-in-town." no thanks.
and of course all the scary random men who try talking to me before they realize i am not normal. i am chronically dry. and i am incapable of even looking them in the face.

i want to look someone in the face. i want to look someone in the face so bad.

do you think i will just know when the right someone comes along? will i know to look in their face? i wonder if i should just look all of these guys in the face. give them all a chance. i'm strong now. i stood up to mister "dickinson" (maybe i'll tell that story another day) after giving him a chance. and he blew it. so i talked him to start walking. i'm not as silly as i used to be. i'm not as flamboyantly desperate to not be alone. i used to spend hours and hours and hours scrutinizing my love life and my crush and daydreaming about our future. i was trapped in school-girl-mentality. but i think i have grown up. i think i am growing up.

so i guess maybe, what the point of all this is, i want to be a little bit in love, in secret, with someone. and that i can handle it. and i am ready for it. and if doesn't work out, it doesn't. but if it does, it does.

so maybe i'm not too proud for love anymore.