but i gotta move on...

i don't know how i feel about tonight.
beside the usual thoughts of slavery and death that i usually think of on a first date, everything wasn't so bad....
one day at a time, right?

it hurts so good.

i don't even know what to say.
so, i'm just going to go to sleep.

you're across the universe.

i still think about you. all the time. but i talk about you less. and i know one day i won't think of you at all.
when i hear this song, it reminds me of being years younger. holding my mom while she cried. holding on to her belly like i could hold her there, in my universe, just long enough to let her know how much i love her and make her realize that nothing else out there mattered. but like they say, things take forever to travel through the universe. at least it's finally reaching her now.
i know that even with all that hate you have inside of you, you still miss me too. i can feel it. and just like i always have, i wish i could hold you and make it go away. make it all feel better. but it's not my job anymore. i guess it never really was.
and i just don't feel sad or angry or anything over you anymore. just silly. just empty in the best way possible.
i hope in 10 years, if we run into each other, you will be happy.
and i mean it.
but for now, goodbye goodbye goodbye.

wait, they don't love you like i love you.

i am talking to myself. nobody loves me like i love me and it is blatantly obvious as of late. people are so disappointing. they don't even love me like i love them.
i am tired of sitting around trying to make sense of everything. so i am just going to go away from it all.
i am viciously angry. i really don't like anyone in this world right now (except the obvious) and it is taking everything inside me to not scream at the people who hurt me.
people are a waste of time and space.
and yeah, i'm talking about you too.

shudder shock of pale.

sometimes, when i am tired and worn down, i go and hide in the bathroom. i can spend a whole hour in the bathroom, just thinking or just not thinking at all. it's something i have been doing since i was much much younger. i think something about the bathroom makes me feel safe. maybe it was because when i was still in elementary school and scared of everything in the world, they always said the bathroom was one of the safest places during hurricanes. but i don't think that's the core reason, just an added bonus.


and right now, i don't want to leave the bathroom.

it's really not so important.

birthdays don't even feel real anymore.
red velvet cake con cream cheese icing. thanks katie.
i just want more puppies.
and i'm shutting off all emotions as of: now.
i cannot cannot cannot feel anything for you or anyone else.



I NEED SLEEP.

delicate musings.

22 years old. what an amount of years. so queer. what do these years really mean anymore? anything i want them to, i suppose.
i feel inarticulate. like i could spend a thousand days trying out every phrase to explain how disassembled my insides feel. like i could stare you right in the face and say everything i think of saying and it would not make any sense. not even you could understand. complete paralysis.
and to sleep, i daydream about you driving me around late at night while i listen to you talk about whatever you want to talk to me about. and there is that soft glow from the streetlights filtering in onto our skin and i feel warm. and you just keep talking and you don't know it, but to me everything you say is part of a long song that i keep wrapping around me.
it is funny to me that i am 22 and almost a college graduate. it is weird to me that i am also feeling so benign about it all. and it the strangest that tonight of all nights i feel the incessant chatter of some deeper meaning waking up inside me. just whispers at first. then full on loud talking. i always wonder who the talking is directed towards. surely not me. but still, i listen on to the conversation inside me as if i weren't really there, like a strange outsider you meet on the bus. like the way one listens in to two lovers laughing and teasing each other, perplexed and envious of their entwined lives, no matter how fickle.
and i miss you. how and why, i can't explain. i just miss you and pretend that you're here, in my bed. and that even though we never touch, your words and your laugh are enough. and maybe sometimes our hands accidentally do touch and flustered, we blush and don't mention anything. i am so embarrassed of the way i feel. but i remind myself that one day, all of this life will make some sort of sense.

but i remember how lonely i am. and how all of this is just an exaggerated musing of my fatigued brain. swallow it down. swallow it down. swallow it down.

eventually, no matter what i do, i will end up alone.
and we both know we want to spend our lives being miserable.

"I am alone, all alone here," said the voice. "It was warm and friendly in my room but now I'm all alone."

fuck, this song is terrible.

and yet, i cannot for the life of me stop fucking listening to it.
i have decided to take a vow a celibacy. not really for any religious or moral reason. i am just completely repulsed by others' flesh. nothing i can do, total eclipse of the heart.
today was a surprisingly unproductive day. but i did refrain from doing a lot of the bad habits i usually engage in with constancy daily. so, pat on the back. i guess.

katie mcintyre will be here in 1 day. let the fucking celebrations begin.

this empty paaaaage.

who the fuck cares.
i am a fucking college graduate and i could jump off a ten story high building and not die. i am totally fucking sure of it.
i want to kill people who have done me wrong with my bare hands and pull trees out of the ground. but not really the tree part because that would be cruel.
tonight, i rest in bed with the toney bean, completely free to feel however i would like, no last minute work to be done, no test to study for, no early morning class.
no, just pure freedom.

and yet, i am still utterly angry with the past. when will i grow up?

i can't help but feel tragically and hopelessly in love with my best friends. no sexual attraction. and yet, i feel as if i could spend my lives with them. if only someone could love them the way i loved them, they would never be lonely again.
but then who would i love? and who would love me?

really, honestly, the last thing i want to do is grow up.

i need to stop thinking/talking/worrying about the past. life goes on and things fucking change. people change too. and i was never true to myself, anyway. i think i am now. i don't know how i could not be. all i have to look at is myself. all the time. all day long. and i need to learn that all these things that remind me of you and make me feel so angry, really should remind me of only me. because this was all my life. and none of your's.

break.