The start.

i guess it all had to start somewhere. i know long ago, i was born. and i grew up. i had bad times. i had okay times. sometimes things were good. more than often, i was sad.
i had boyfriends. i had friends that were boys. i had this one boy that was my friend for two years in high school. and then i left him.
and then i spent more years alone. i thought there was something wrong with me. i thought i didn't like being alone. i made up stories about this life i would be living if i wasn't incapable of being loved. i lived in my head. i was a crazy.
and then i mellowed out. and i thought everything that was absolutely wrong for me must be right. because isn't that what they show in the movies. opposites attract. love is unexpected. sometimes it's the one you least expect.
so i picked him out. i picked out the one who i couldn't stand. and i taught myself to love him. and i'm a quick learner. i learned to love him and i learned to love him well. mister nowhere. he was and is going nowhere fast.
i thought if i could change him, if i could just fix his hair. fix his ambition. fix his goals. he could be mister everywhere.
i was a bad person. i was a bad person for thinking that.
but i did honestly love him. i loved him with every ounce of myself. i still do love him. i don't think i will ever not.
he was a syrup. thick on me and i couldn't breathe. and it was exhilarating. we hated each other so much but we pretended we were so in love. i miss him still sometimes.
and then, it just wasn't right.
and then, we were screaming and hurting each other on purpose and he was stealing my things and i was trying to get him to stay.
he was mister nowhere again.
and i realized he was good at being mister nowhere. and someday, someone would love him as that person. he wasn't my mister everywhere. he wasn't right for me.

i remember the first time i realized i loved him. we were in his bed and he put this song on. and i think the feeling i got from this song i mistook for being in love with him. but it opened up this whole new possibility of who he could be to me. not just a friend. not just a close friend. but maybe, if i could change just this, just that, just maybe.

and that was the beginning of the end.