oh, emily.

crouching, knees gathered up in a dress too big.
little girl, you were everything.
and the grass whispers your name, drawing you near.
and your hair, golden, snakes in and out of your face.
to be a boy, so sweet with your smell.
to be a man, never breaking your spell.
oh, emily.

little girl in bloom.

we were so young. falling in and out of each other. i think about how you used to smell, too strong, too overpowering. and me, i smelled like bitter fruit. the smell of my youth. i don't smell like that anymore.
i've been listening to the music i listened to every day before i first met you. you were so critical, so ready to tell me every single thing i knew was wrong. but i was so right.

oh boy, little boy, when will you ever know?
i love the imagery you have left me with, the memories.
but i don't love you.
i'm so sorry, but i just don't love you.

get your own ideas, dickhead.

it's mine. though it's not tangible, it belongs to me. and you and your girlfriend, a face (under that tangle of hair) i vaguely feel warmth towards, you and your girlfriend can go listen to anything else you want. make love to anything that moves you. dance to our old song at your fucking wedding. shit, i don't care.
but that,
that's mine. not your's. not mine and your's.
just mine mine mine.

and you know it.
you know it and you know that every time you listen to it, you're going to think of me. and i hope sometimes you slip up and say my name when listening to it. i hope she doesn't notice because we all know what a drunk she is. but you do, you notice, and it fucking drives you insane.

but that's what you get for becoming everything i ever was.

no exceptions.

i hate everyone.

and myself.

but i gotta move on...

i don't know how i feel about tonight.
beside the usual thoughts of slavery and death that i usually think of on a first date, everything wasn't so bad....
one day at a time, right?

it hurts so good.

i don't even know what to say.
so, i'm just going to go to sleep.

you're across the universe.

i still think about you. all the time. but i talk about you less. and i know one day i won't think of you at all.
when i hear this song, it reminds me of being years younger. holding my mom while she cried. holding on to her belly like i could hold her there, in my universe, just long enough to let her know how much i love her and make her realize that nothing else out there mattered. but like they say, things take forever to travel through the universe. at least it's finally reaching her now.
i know that even with all that hate you have inside of you, you still miss me too. i can feel it. and just like i always have, i wish i could hold you and make it go away. make it all feel better. but it's not my job anymore. i guess it never really was.
and i just don't feel sad or angry or anything over you anymore. just silly. just empty in the best way possible.
i hope in 10 years, if we run into each other, you will be happy.
and i mean it.
but for now, goodbye goodbye goodbye.

wait, they don't love you like i love you.

i am talking to myself. nobody loves me like i love me and it is blatantly obvious as of late. people are so disappointing. they don't even love me like i love them.
i am tired of sitting around trying to make sense of everything. so i am just going to go away from it all.
i am viciously angry. i really don't like anyone in this world right now (except the obvious) and it is taking everything inside me to not scream at the people who hurt me.
people are a waste of time and space.
and yeah, i'm talking about you too.

shudder shock of pale.

sometimes, when i am tired and worn down, i go and hide in the bathroom. i can spend a whole hour in the bathroom, just thinking or just not thinking at all. it's something i have been doing since i was much much younger. i think something about the bathroom makes me feel safe. maybe it was because when i was still in elementary school and scared of everything in the world, they always said the bathroom was one of the safest places during hurricanes. but i don't think that's the core reason, just an added bonus.


and right now, i don't want to leave the bathroom.

it's really not so important.

birthdays don't even feel real anymore.
red velvet cake con cream cheese icing. thanks katie.
i just want more puppies.
and i'm shutting off all emotions as of: now.
i cannot cannot cannot feel anything for you or anyone else.



I NEED SLEEP.

delicate musings.

22 years old. what an amount of years. so queer. what do these years really mean anymore? anything i want them to, i suppose.
i feel inarticulate. like i could spend a thousand days trying out every phrase to explain how disassembled my insides feel. like i could stare you right in the face and say everything i think of saying and it would not make any sense. not even you could understand. complete paralysis.
and to sleep, i daydream about you driving me around late at night while i listen to you talk about whatever you want to talk to me about. and there is that soft glow from the streetlights filtering in onto our skin and i feel warm. and you just keep talking and you don't know it, but to me everything you say is part of a long song that i keep wrapping around me.
it is funny to me that i am 22 and almost a college graduate. it is weird to me that i am also feeling so benign about it all. and it the strangest that tonight of all nights i feel the incessant chatter of some deeper meaning waking up inside me. just whispers at first. then full on loud talking. i always wonder who the talking is directed towards. surely not me. but still, i listen on to the conversation inside me as if i weren't really there, like a strange outsider you meet on the bus. like the way one listens in to two lovers laughing and teasing each other, perplexed and envious of their entwined lives, no matter how fickle.
and i miss you. how and why, i can't explain. i just miss you and pretend that you're here, in my bed. and that even though we never touch, your words and your laugh are enough. and maybe sometimes our hands accidentally do touch and flustered, we blush and don't mention anything. i am so embarrassed of the way i feel. but i remind myself that one day, all of this life will make some sort of sense.

but i remember how lonely i am. and how all of this is just an exaggerated musing of my fatigued brain. swallow it down. swallow it down. swallow it down.

eventually, no matter what i do, i will end up alone.
and we both know we want to spend our lives being miserable.

"I am alone, all alone here," said the voice. "It was warm and friendly in my room but now I'm all alone."

fuck, this song is terrible.

and yet, i cannot for the life of me stop fucking listening to it.
i have decided to take a vow a celibacy. not really for any religious or moral reason. i am just completely repulsed by others' flesh. nothing i can do, total eclipse of the heart.
today was a surprisingly unproductive day. but i did refrain from doing a lot of the bad habits i usually engage in with constancy daily. so, pat on the back. i guess.

katie mcintyre will be here in 1 day. let the fucking celebrations begin.

this empty paaaaage.

who the fuck cares.
i am a fucking college graduate and i could jump off a ten story high building and not die. i am totally fucking sure of it.
i want to kill people who have done me wrong with my bare hands and pull trees out of the ground. but not really the tree part because that would be cruel.
tonight, i rest in bed with the toney bean, completely free to feel however i would like, no last minute work to be done, no test to study for, no early morning class.
no, just pure freedom.

and yet, i am still utterly angry with the past. when will i grow up?

i can't help but feel tragically and hopelessly in love with my best friends. no sexual attraction. and yet, i feel as if i could spend my lives with them. if only someone could love them the way i loved them, they would never be lonely again.
but then who would i love? and who would love me?

really, honestly, the last thing i want to do is grow up.

i need to stop thinking/talking/worrying about the past. life goes on and things fucking change. people change too. and i was never true to myself, anyway. i think i am now. i don't know how i could not be. all i have to look at is myself. all the time. all day long. and i need to learn that all these things that remind me of you and make me feel so angry, really should remind me of only me. because this was all my life. and none of your's.

break.

lala kahle.

it's rainy here. and foggy.
the weather has made my bones ache for the past week now.
if i could sleep in the heaven that is my bed all day, i would.

i feel like such a sleepy head. not just physically, but mentally as well. like, what the FUCK am i supposed to do with my GODDAMN life?

at least i'm going to die alone.

tip on that tightrope.

i feel infinitely relieved. i love the rush of things going to complete shit and the last minute finishing everything up and making everything that was wrong, right again. i'm constantly tipping on the tightrope. i guess that means i am not as boring as i think.
i realized that YOU must be the one still hung up on whatever because the sight or mention of me boils your blood. good, i'm glad. i deserve to be the bigger person after all this hard work i have been doing.
i wrote the most amusing paper i have ever written while being in college. i hope it goes over well with my professor. i know he likes a good laugh.

"now put some voodoo on it."

i get so wound up.

ineedtobealone.
i neeeeeed space.
i wish i wasn't so lazy. then maybe i could drive off somewhere away from everyone. or take a bike ride.
i get so fucking frustrated.
ajndjcndicnfc.

"oh hey, it's that guy that owes me hundreds of dollars."

believe me, i really want to kill you too.

dreamin' of you.

i'm dreaming of you.

i just don't know who YOU are.

breakfast in cemetary.

in case you didn't know, beat happening is where i got the title for my blog. my first love. my only love. calvin johnson.
"calvin you're my guy with incredible blue eyes, but, i've got to live my own life."
but beats happening. i think it refers to the fact that my day to day occurs with the constant sprawling of beats minute to minute. and that's where the videos/songs play in. they describe how i feel for the day. or relay a fleeting thought i had that made me feel something. or sometimes i heard the song on the radio, or played the record it was on, or took a nap to it. and it made me feel something i hadn't felt in days. so i write about it.
this song is one of my favorites. cast a shadow is ultimately the best, in my opinion. my ultimate fairy tale dream song. the day i feel that way about someone, honestly, earnestly, truly, it will be right.
i just found out some guy redid that song.
beat happening ties into a lot of my life. i think from the moment i heard them, i knew we were destined for a life together.
i could go into so much, but i think it hurts a little more than i can handle right now.

i want to be i want to be i want to be
in my cave.

good lord.

i don't know what i was thinking. fooling myself into thinking i was in love. i wasn't. and i knew i wasn't. but i just wanted so badly to stop being alone. being alone is getting to the point where it is pretty horrifying. and it has barely been six months.
i just want to scream all the time. and never ever stop. everyone is running around in my head. i just want to cry but i don't think i know how to anymore.
i feel like my whole body is straining to make it through each day. like everything inside of me is so tight and wound up. i can't let it out.

ojffneojfnrr.
how do i get it out??

heaven always fucking knows.

i am not in love.
i am not in lust.
i am bitterly alone.
always always always.
and forever.

When you sleep.

i think this is my falling in love song. i have been listening to it a lot. am i falling in love?

mister pensacola racquetball has been cut off from communication. so today while i was practicing my racquetball skills with the instructor he just stood there, watching me, waiting for me to notice him. it made me furious. guys expect way too much. i never looked his way.

i was rummaging through the lost souls of craigslist personal ads and i came upon a kid in my cardio weight training class. best. day. ever.


my life is getting hectic and i am getting sleepy with it all. i just want to wake up in the middle of the summer, a millionaire with a maserati. i don't even know what the fuck that is.

but i want it.

goodnight.

This makes me feel better.

i couldn't put the real video because embedding was disabled. WAMP WAMP.

listening to this song always makes me feel better about being alone. because all the things that she lists that she can do actually do make me feel better about life. and the fact that everything is better than being with mister nowhere makes me love this song like an anthem because of the irony. everything compares and it is so much better.

mister raquetball pensacola is such a weenie. not only does he bore me, but i am pretty sure all he is looking for is sex. the thing is, that's fine. but, he's horrible about being a guy just looking for sex. like, be a man about it! and know how to talk the talk. good god, boys are so boring.


on a different note, i think living this life of celibacy is much healthier for my brain. just me and the toney bean, relaxing in the bed, listening to music. i think sex makes me crazy. it is the only conclusion i can draw. when i have best guy friends and spend all my time with them and do everything with them, it is wonderful and fine and happy. as soon as you factor sex into the relationship, goodbye sanity.

maybe i should stop being such a big wussy. yeah, i think that is the answer to everything.

did i even ask any questions?

The start.

i guess it all had to start somewhere. i know long ago, i was born. and i grew up. i had bad times. i had okay times. sometimes things were good. more than often, i was sad.
i had boyfriends. i had friends that were boys. i had this one boy that was my friend for two years in high school. and then i left him.
and then i spent more years alone. i thought there was something wrong with me. i thought i didn't like being alone. i made up stories about this life i would be living if i wasn't incapable of being loved. i lived in my head. i was a crazy.
and then i mellowed out. and i thought everything that was absolutely wrong for me must be right. because isn't that what they show in the movies. opposites attract. love is unexpected. sometimes it's the one you least expect.
so i picked him out. i picked out the one who i couldn't stand. and i taught myself to love him. and i'm a quick learner. i learned to love him and i learned to love him well. mister nowhere. he was and is going nowhere fast.
i thought if i could change him, if i could just fix his hair. fix his ambition. fix his goals. he could be mister everywhere.
i was a bad person. i was a bad person for thinking that.
but i did honestly love him. i loved him with every ounce of myself. i still do love him. i don't think i will ever not.
he was a syrup. thick on me and i couldn't breathe. and it was exhilarating. we hated each other so much but we pretended we were so in love. i miss him still sometimes.
and then, it just wasn't right.
and then, we were screaming and hurting each other on purpose and he was stealing my things and i was trying to get him to stay.
he was mister nowhere again.
and i realized he was good at being mister nowhere. and someday, someone would love him as that person. he wasn't my mister everywhere. he wasn't right for me.

i remember the first time i realized i loved him. we were in his bed and he put this song on. and i think the feeling i got from this song i mistook for being in love with him. but it opened up this whole new possibility of who he could be to me. not just a friend. not just a close friend. but maybe, if i could change just this, just that, just maybe.

and that was the beginning of the end.

I feel a (little bit) like this.

i want to feel this way again. i want to feel so foolishly, unbearably in love with someone. i want to be so afraid and inevitably drawn to someone. it's dangerous. i miss it i miss it i miss it.
i think i felt that way at first. then two years went by. i can't even remember it. i think i have become so used to living in miserable situations that i just automatically block everything out. numb it up.
it must be like living with a ghost.

but the thing is, there are boys there. i guess they're men now. there are men there, asking me to be with them. and i shut down. i shut them out. liking someone is so embarrassing to me.
there is this one guy from school who likes me. and i enjoyed talking to him, i found it exciting. and then he said he wanted to snuggle with me. the word alone makes me shudder. not that this guy isn't wonderful and sweet and nice. but it scares me. it really scares me.
and then this one kid from middle school. ugh. i wasn't even that good of friends with him. but he was good friends with a kid i was in love with who i wanted to get back in touch with (and ended up being no help at all). and now he wants me to call him. hang out with him. "you better!" what will i do with myself?
and then there is mr.orlando. mister "call-me-to-come-hang-out-with-me-in-orlando-but-everytime-you-do-i'll-have-plans-and-then-keep-tabs-on-you-when-you-forget-about-me-and-then-randomly-text-you-telling-you-you-can-crash-at-my-place-when-you're-at-a-show-in-town." no thanks.
and of course all the scary random men who try talking to me before they realize i am not normal. i am chronically dry. and i am incapable of even looking them in the face.

i want to look someone in the face. i want to look someone in the face so bad.

do you think i will just know when the right someone comes along? will i know to look in their face? i wonder if i should just look all of these guys in the face. give them all a chance. i'm strong now. i stood up to mister "dickinson" (maybe i'll tell that story another day) after giving him a chance. and he blew it. so i talked him to start walking. i'm not as silly as i used to be. i'm not as flamboyantly desperate to not be alone. i used to spend hours and hours and hours scrutinizing my love life and my crush and daydreaming about our future. i was trapped in school-girl-mentality. but i think i have grown up. i think i am growing up.

so i guess maybe, what the point of all this is, i want to be a little bit in love, in secret, with someone. and that i can handle it. and i am ready for it. and if doesn't work out, it doesn't. but if it does, it does.

so maybe i'm not too proud for love anymore.