I feel a (little bit) like this.

i want to feel this way again. i want to feel so foolishly, unbearably in love with someone. i want to be so afraid and inevitably drawn to someone. it's dangerous. i miss it i miss it i miss it.
i think i felt that way at first. then two years went by. i can't even remember it. i think i have become so used to living in miserable situations that i just automatically block everything out. numb it up.
it must be like living with a ghost.

but the thing is, there are boys there. i guess they're men now. there are men there, asking me to be with them. and i shut down. i shut them out. liking someone is so embarrassing to me.
there is this one guy from school who likes me. and i enjoyed talking to him, i found it exciting. and then he said he wanted to snuggle with me. the word alone makes me shudder. not that this guy isn't wonderful and sweet and nice. but it scares me. it really scares me.
and then this one kid from middle school. ugh. i wasn't even that good of friends with him. but he was good friends with a kid i was in love with who i wanted to get back in touch with (and ended up being no help at all). and now he wants me to call him. hang out with him. "you better!" what will i do with myself?
and then there is mr.orlando. mister "call-me-to-come-hang-out-with-me-in-orlando-but-everytime-you-do-i'll-have-plans-and-then-keep-tabs-on-you-when-you-forget-about-me-and-then-randomly-text-you-telling-you-you-can-crash-at-my-place-when-you're-at-a-show-in-town." no thanks.
and of course all the scary random men who try talking to me before they realize i am not normal. i am chronically dry. and i am incapable of even looking them in the face.

i want to look someone in the face. i want to look someone in the face so bad.

do you think i will just know when the right someone comes along? will i know to look in their face? i wonder if i should just look all of these guys in the face. give them all a chance. i'm strong now. i stood up to mister "dickinson" (maybe i'll tell that story another day) after giving him a chance. and he blew it. so i talked him to start walking. i'm not as silly as i used to be. i'm not as flamboyantly desperate to not be alone. i used to spend hours and hours and hours scrutinizing my love life and my crush and daydreaming about our future. i was trapped in school-girl-mentality. but i think i have grown up. i think i am growing up.

so i guess maybe, what the point of all this is, i want to be a little bit in love, in secret, with someone. and that i can handle it. and i am ready for it. and if doesn't work out, it doesn't. but if it does, it does.

so maybe i'm not too proud for love anymore.