oh, emily.

crouching, knees gathered up in a dress too big.
little girl, you were everything.
and the grass whispers your name, drawing you near.
and your hair, golden, snakes in and out of your face.
to be a boy, so sweet with your smell.
to be a man, never breaking your spell.
oh, emily.

little girl in bloom.

we were so young. falling in and out of each other. i think about how you used to smell, too strong, too overpowering. and me, i smelled like bitter fruit. the smell of my youth. i don't smell like that anymore.
i've been listening to the music i listened to every day before i first met you. you were so critical, so ready to tell me every single thing i knew was wrong. but i was so right.

oh boy, little boy, when will you ever know?
i love the imagery you have left me with, the memories.
but i don't love you.
i'm so sorry, but i just don't love you.

get your own ideas, dickhead.

it's mine. though it's not tangible, it belongs to me. and you and your girlfriend, a face (under that tangle of hair) i vaguely feel warmth towards, you and your girlfriend can go listen to anything else you want. make love to anything that moves you. dance to our old song at your fucking wedding. shit, i don't care.
but that,
that's mine. not your's. not mine and your's.
just mine mine mine.

and you know it.
you know it and you know that every time you listen to it, you're going to think of me. and i hope sometimes you slip up and say my name when listening to it. i hope she doesn't notice because we all know what a drunk she is. but you do, you notice, and it fucking drives you insane.

but that's what you get for becoming everything i ever was.

no exceptions.

i hate everyone.

and myself.

but i gotta move on...

i don't know how i feel about tonight.
beside the usual thoughts of slavery and death that i usually think of on a first date, everything wasn't so bad....
one day at a time, right?

it hurts so good.

i don't even know what to say.
so, i'm just going to go to sleep.

you're across the universe.

i still think about you. all the time. but i talk about you less. and i know one day i won't think of you at all.
when i hear this song, it reminds me of being years younger. holding my mom while she cried. holding on to her belly like i could hold her there, in my universe, just long enough to let her know how much i love her and make her realize that nothing else out there mattered. but like they say, things take forever to travel through the universe. at least it's finally reaching her now.
i know that even with all that hate you have inside of you, you still miss me too. i can feel it. and just like i always have, i wish i could hold you and make it go away. make it all feel better. but it's not my job anymore. i guess it never really was.
and i just don't feel sad or angry or anything over you anymore. just silly. just empty in the best way possible.
i hope in 10 years, if we run into each other, you will be happy.
and i mean it.
but for now, goodbye goodbye goodbye.